Dispatch from Newborn World
The baby is 4-ish weeks old (will putting this kind of information on the internet lead to his identity being stolen in years to come?) and in the same period I have aged approximately 10,000 years. I read about motherhood for years - Rachel Cusk, Lisa Marciano - but reading it and experiencing it are really something else. The number of times I have fretted the past few weeks about not having 'prepared' more - why didn't I watch a YouTube video about 'ways your partner can help alleviate contraction pain during labour'? Or diaper changing or swaddling or (God help me) latching videos? Now however I see that kind of fretting is pointless - you can't prepare, all you can do is live it, again and again and again. My sister's advice to "pretend you're a monk and accept your fate" rings very true. My sugar and online shopping addictions are out of control but these feel like small prices to pay for my health and my sanity. Needless to say it's all been worthwhile, the most intense cosmic love I have ever experienced, think real Interstellar shit, i.e. we can speak to each other across space and time, we have known each other in previous lives and forms. I sing the same songs to baby over and over in my flat tone-deaf voice; I try not to fall down the rabbithole of MOTHERHOOD INFLUENCERS who promise MAGICAL SOLUTIONS one way or another. Thank God I have managed to feel more confident and not like I need to call the midwife hotline with every little question.
What an information age we live in! I think this is what I found hardest about the first two weeks, by far the hardest and most intense two weeks of my life (also because I had to recover from labour, the most intense physical experience of my life). The amount of advice 'out there' - it just did not exist in the same way as it did for my mother or grandmother. I'm glad I've realised/gotten the confidence that ultimately 'every baby is different' (the number of midwives who've recited this!) and you just have to do what works for you; if something is working for you, keep doing it, if something is causing you agony (right now it's my inability to make a tight swaddle that the baby can't wiggle out of) don't worry because everything is a phase/temporary anyway (I bought some velcro swaddles to help alleviate my suffering, and I guess the baby's too lol).
The majority of my mental/emotional energy has been spent on learning things like 'rugby ball position' 'power pumping', and 'the flipple', but for what it's worth here's what I've read/failed to read the past four weeks:
The Long Form by Kate Briggs
I might still go back to this because I love the concept of it and I like the idea of being accompanied by someone who is experiencing the same kind of suffering/joy as me, but still ‘living a life of the mind’ or whatever. But my God, it is long. Something I've noticed about my new MOTHER BRAIN is that I'm less afraid of skimming things. That might be what I end up doing.
Not Even This by Jack Underwood
This I think I will definitely finish. I love Underwood's poetry and have been enjoying this so far although it is often too dense for my tired, tired, tired brain. I like his discussions of poetry and reading/interpreting poetry - these would be great to share with students (not that I will be working with students any time soon - thank God for my maternity leave!!). I'm less into the science stuff but I ain't mad.
Dengue Boy by Michel Nieva
You can read an excerpt of this in Granta here. I LOVED this!! The blurb for this should be "a first time mother literally on the verge of losing her mind was able to finish this". It's incredible how frequently inspiring I find Latin American fiction - it always makes me want to write/read more, which are feelings I increasingly value. I just loved the imagination in this, and its sense of fearless bravado.
Everything else I read/engaged with:
SO many reddit posts. My God! In the early hours of labour I found it extremely validating to see that I was not the only women who found the pain of cervix checks absolutely insanity-inducing. I'm glad I've weaned myself off this though because (guess what) every baby is different and so trying to find 'advice' this way is unwise.
Black and white books from the library for the baby. These are a big hit!
Big hardback books from the library for Mum-me. These had titles like Breastfeeding For Beginners, Your Baby Week by Week, Mindfulness for Parents, etc.
As a bonus here are some choice excerpts from my journal tracking the past four weeks:
At 8.51am I start using the Tens machine that H gave me - THANK GOD FOR THIS MACHINE. As H said "it gives you a sense of control" over your suffering, which my Virgo brain very much appreciated. So crazy to me that all these things given to me at one point in my pregnancy gradually came out to take on new meanings to me - witch hazel pads, maternity pads ("why are these so big?" i remember thinking as I looked at them, "surely regular pads would do? Do I really need to spend money on this?" YES, YES YES) postpartum disposable underwear, an ice pack to sit on...
The next 12 hours, I don't have detailed notes on. I know at one point I took a bath and N took a photo of me in which I look like a Renaissance painting of Jesus, just wracked with pain.
Fret about being told in maternity ward to “not put any pressure on my breast” versus midwife today telling me to squeeze it like a sandwich. I’m being told two different things!
Struggle with the breast pump machine – what on earth do all the different cycles and vacuum levels mean?? (I later find out there’s a difference between UK & US models.) I read posts on reddit about how Spectra was clearly designed by a man since it always resumes on the highest setting you last had it on, rather than the gentle massage mode.
A day of utter horror and not just because it’s US election day. I feel absolutely hysterical when we arrive at the clinic, just mental, barely keeping it together. Is this what clinical depression feels like? No wonder David Foster Wallace killed himself.
Trump has been re-elected. So many podcasts and think pieces for me to not listen to/engage with! Thank god I feel so distant from it. Big morning – we go to breastfeeding café. Thank God for community!! I fall in love with bean bag chair. Very moved by PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION colouring sheet and how we are told ‘keep coming back.’
Health visitor comes, burns me out by talking about how important vaccines are despite me reassuring her with are a pro-vaccine household. I am hysterical from tiredness twice today and also cry listening to the ending coda of “Farewell and Goodnight” by the Smashing Pumpkins. Shower makes me feel like a new woman. Sardine and potato soup. I get such bad cramps in my backside from uterus contracting that I keep crying out in pain and shock.
Are we in a routine? Are we parents, parenting?
The cats refusing to use the brand new cat flap due to the scary noise it makes just about breaks me. [They've since gone on to use it, thank GOD]
The 10 billion vitamins I ordered in a panic also arrive.
Get latte and life changing apricot croissant at cafe Nero. The amount of chocolate and sugar I'm eating is insane.
Hairdresser was a chatty Cathy who liked Trump; she moved my head around very aggressively and burned me with hair dryer. Jesus!
Will I ever not write "absolutely brutal night shift" in these entries? It's the diaper changes that kills me.
At Ali Smith talk right now and feel like an alien from another planet.
Is life normal now? Have we survived? Is this us, surviving? Will I be able to start reading again soon? Worried that the bean bag chair is hurting my coccyx.